Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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