Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
