Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
