dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
