Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
