Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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