I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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