either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Randomize
