Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
