I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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