nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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