he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
