dude i'm inner monologue high
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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