How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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