Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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