I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
