I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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