Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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