Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
