How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
