i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
