So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
