I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
