If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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