I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
