party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
