remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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