wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
