hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
