he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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