my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
