Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
