How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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