Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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