I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
