Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
