Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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