I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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