Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
