Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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