6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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