Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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