I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
