I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
