why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
