I must be too annoying 4 u.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
