i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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