Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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