the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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