i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
