why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
