Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
