He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
