you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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