All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
