oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
