i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
