I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
