I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
