dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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